You're So Vain
by Kia and Cal
Summary: ...Or "In Which Cal Pokes Fun of Songfics"! Sakura has a love problem, and it's up to Tomoyo to help her out! Pairings fly all over the place and include E/T, S/S, E/S, and S/T. Please read and review!


"Hoe..." Sakura sighed, flopping down on Tomoyo's bed.  
  
"What's wrong, Sakura-chan?" Tomoyo asked, looking at her best friend.  
  
"You know, Tomoyo. I want to tell him, but I can't."  
  
"Aww..."  
  
'Poor Sakura,' Tomoyo thought. 'Why won't she tell Li-kun the truth? She obviously loves him...'  
  
Tomoyo suddenly brightened. "It's really sad, I know. Perhaps I can make you feel better."  
  
Sakura looked up hopefully. [A/N: And no, this will NOT be a lemon. Heeheehee! I wouldn't write a lemon! Especially not with Tomoyo and Sakura...Ewwww....*whiny, nasal 12 year old sound*]  
  
"Could you really, Tomoyo? I'd like that..."  
  
The lights dimmed a bit, and music started playing in the background. Tomoyo stood up and a spotlight shone brightly on her--she'd gotten the Little Miss Stagehand playset for Christmas a year ago. She tapped her foot and snapped her fingers in time.  
  
And then, in a voice that would put Ms. Carly Simon herself to shame, Tomoyo began to sing.  
  
"You walked into the party  
Like you were walking onto a yacht  
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye  
Your scarf it was apricot  
You had one eye in the mirror as  
You watched yourself cavort  
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner  
They'd be your partner, and  
  
You're so vain  
You probably think this song is about you  
You're so vain (you're so vain)  
I'll bet you think this song is about you  
Don't you, don't you, aw  
  
You had me several years ago  
When I was still quite naive  
When you said that we made such a pretty pair  
And that you would never leave  
But you gave away the things you loved  
And one of them was me  
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee  
Clouds in my coffee, and--"  
  
"Wait a second, Tomoyo."  
  
"What?" Tomoyo looked uncharacteristically annoyed. The background music stopped and the lights came up. "Is there something wrong, Sakura?"  
  
Sakura frowned, her brow deeply furrowed. "I always thought it was 'clowns in my coffee'. Are you sure you have the lyrics right?"  
  
"Yes, I'm sure. Why would anyone have clowns in their coffee?"  
  
"I dunno. Why would someone have clouds in their coffee?"  
  
"It's a metaphor, Sakura-chan." Tomoyo was growing rather impatient. "May I continue, please?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
The lights dimmed again and the music came on. Tomoyo continued with her song.  
  
"You're so vain  
You probably think this song is about you  
You're so vain (you're so vain)  
I'll bet you think this song is about you  
Don't you, don't you, don't you  
  
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee  
Clouds in my coffee, and"  
  
"Tomoyo?"  
  
"What, Sakura?" Tomoyo began to turn strangely irritated as she snapped her fingers and everything stopped.  
  
"What's it a metaphor of?"  
  
"What's what a metaphor?"  
  
"The clouds. Y'know, the clouds in the coffee part? You said it was a metaphor. What's the metaphor mean, anyway?"  
  
"Look, Sakura, just let me finish the song, all right?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
"You're so vain  
You probably think this song is about you  
You're so vain (you're so vain)  
I'll bet you think this song is about you  
Don't you, don't you  
  
Well I hear you went up to Saratoga  
And your horse naturally won  
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia  
To see the total eclipse of the sun  
Well you're where you should be all the time  
And when you're not, your with  
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend  
Wife of a close friend, and  
  
You're so vain  
You probably think this song is about you  
You're so vain (so vain)  
I'll bet you think this song is about you  
Don't you, don't you, don't you now  
  
You're so vain  
You probably think this song is about you  
You're so vain  
You probably you think this song is about you  
You're so vain"  
  
The music faded out and the lights came up again. Tomoyo courtseyed with a great flourish. "Don't you feel better now, Sakura-chan?"  
  
"No. I didn't think I was that vain. Do you really feel that way about me?" Sakura's brilliant emerald eyes were beginning to well up with tears.  
  
Tomoyo's lovely violet eyes widened. "No, Sakura-chan! You thought the song was about you? It wasn't! Weren't you paying attention? Did you miss the entire refrain or something?"  
  
"Oh." Sakura thought for a moment. "What did that have to do with my...err, problem?"  
  
"Nothing. Why?"  
  
"If it had NOTHING to do with my problem, why did you sing it? It's kind of depressing..."  
  
"Because it's a cool song." [A/N: Heeheehee! Carly Simon kicks major butt! Heeheehee! *snorting sound* I said "butt"!]  
  
"Well, that makes sense." With an oddly sardonic sigh, Sakura flopped back down on the bed again, because flopping twice makes a better statement than flopping once. Her lucious auburn locks of hair feathered out around her on Tomoyo's lovely blue and creme quilt.  
  
Tomoyo pulled a strand of her delicate, grey-purple-black hair behind one ear and sighed. "Sorry, Sakura-chan. I really wanted to help. Maybe a different song...How about 'Kodachrome'?"  
  
"'Kodachrome'?" Sakura furrowed her brow, marking her pale bone-china skin in a frown. "I don't think that would work too well. Why not something like 'Never had a Dream Come True' or 'The Call'?"  
  
"Those are stupid, mushy songs. Besides, boring songfics are always about love problems. Why don't we celebrate technicolor instead?"  
  
"Tomoyo, I have a love problem."  
  
"Oh. Right, then. How about 'Cecilia'? It's got an actual beat to it, but it's still about a love problem."  
  
"But that's where the girl's the one that's cheating, and I'm not cheating on Syaoran!"  
  
Tomoyo sat next to Sakura and sighed. "All right, we'll skip the meaningful song, even though I still think 'You're So Vain' fits just fine. What exactly is so wrong?"  
  
"Well, Syaoran and I have been going out for several months now--"  
  
"Wait a second, Sakura-chan! I thought you wanted to tell him about your feelings towards him! If you're going out, why do you need to tell him about your feelings?"  
  
"Err..." Sakura started to turn red, realizing that perhaps the author had a big plothole to deal with. The author in question froze time and quickly explained to Sakura why exactly Syaoran needed to hear about her feelings. With an understanding nod, Sakura told the author to go away. The author did, unfreezing time when she left.   
  
"It's kind of complicated, Tomoyo." Sakura spoke as if she were reciting lines from memory (which she was, but that's really not the point right now).  
  
Tomoyo smiled. "It shouldn't be that hard to tell him, though. What's the problem?"  
  
Before Sakura could answer (to the author's relief, because she hadn't told Sakura what to say in case Tomoyo asked this), strange scratching noises began to echo out from Tomoyo's wardrobe. Both girls quickly looked over and the noise stopped, but as soon as they turned their heads back again, a loud moan was heard.  
  
"Hey...That sounds like Syaoran," Sakura said slowly.  
  
"But what's he doing...in my closet?" Tomoyo asked, just as slowly.  
  
Swiftly in contraction to her slow words, the raven haired beauty [A/N: Isn't that a cool phrase? Raven is a cool word! I have a big vocabulary!] moved over to the wardrobe door and opened it. And what do you suppose she saw?  
  
Syaoran and Eriol tumbled out of the wardrobe and fell on the floor. Both of them were looking very rumpled and red-faced. Eriol looked sheepishly up at Tomoyo. Syaoran was oblivious to the girls' prescence in the room and was moving closer to Eriol again.  
  
"Umm...Hi, Tommie," he said. "How are you?"  
  
Bad move. Tomoyo does not take being called Tommie well at all. She glared at them both and said, "Get a room! Or, at least, get someone ELSE'S room!"  
  
"Syaoran?" Sakura asked quietly. He looked up and immediately turned a brilliant shade of red. "I have something to tell you, Syaoran."  
  
Sakura and Syaoran both looked pointedly at Eriol and Tomoyo. Eriol and Tomoyo looked blankly at the other two, not comprehending what they were supposed to do.  
  
"Sakura-chan? Why are you looking at me that way?" Tomoyo asked, her head cocked slightly to the side.  
  
"You're supposed to leave right now," said Syaoran. "Didn't you study the "Protocol Excercised in Bad Songfics" handbook? Or were you too busy snogging to do that?"  
  
Eriol turned a bright shade of red. Indeed, he and Tomoyo had been making out in a broom closet during the Bad Songfic Seminar, but he wasn't dense enough to say that right now. "Oh, err....right. Well, there's nowhere to go, so how about we sit here and pretend we can't hear anything that's going on?"  
  
Tomoyo smiled. "Yeah! That's a good idea!" Tomoyo desperately wanted to hear Sakura and Syaoran's conversation, and it looked like she was going to get the chance.  
  
"Okay," said Sakura uncertainly. "Syaoran? I have something to tell you."  
  
"I have something to tell you, too," Syaoran said. "Can I go first?"  
  
"I guess."  
  
Syaoran looked very uncomfortable as the lights slowly dimmed, leaving only a bright spotlight on Sakura and him. 'Thanks a LOT, Tomoyo,' he thought.   
  
He said, however, "Sakura? I like you a lot and everything, but I think I only like you as a friend and distant relative. I think that we should break up. I'm sorry."  
  
Her eyes widened. "Is there...someone else?"  
  
Syaoran snuck a quick look at Eriol. "Yeah, there is. Sakura, I love Eriol. I mean, I love you, too, but in a different way. I hope you'll forgive me and accept us."  
  
"Well, this makes it easier for me," Sakura said thoughtfully. "Syaoran, I'm not attracted to you in that way, either. I've fallen in love with Tomoyo."  
  
Tomoyo smiled like the cat that swallowed the canary.  
  
Syaoran replied, "Well, it's good that we're on the same wavelength...Wait a second, you're dumping me for your COUSIN?"  
  
"Well, you're leaving me to pursue the reincarnation of your ancestor!"  
  
"This is starting to sound like a soap opera," Eriol commented quietly. Tomoyo nodded in agreement.  
  
"Maybe we should go out and get a burger," she replied.  
  
"Nah, I want to see the end of this."  
  
Their whispering conversation came to an end as Sakura and Syaoran continued fighting loudly. With a little help from Tomoyo, the colour of their spotlight turned from white to dark red.  
  
"Well, if that's the way you're going to act, Syaoran, you can leave!" Sakura yelled.  
  
"You can't order me out of Tomoyo's house! But I'm leaving anyway!" Syaoran shouted back. "Come on, Eriol. We have better people to be associating with."  
  
Syaoran promptly grabbed Eriol by the arm and dragged him out of the room. Tomoyo and Sakura looked at each other. The lights came up again, and Tomoyo's room was bright and cheery looking again.  
  
"Sakura...did you mean what you said to Syaoran?" Tomoyo asked quietly.  
  
"Ye--Tomoyo! You weren't supposed to be listening to what I said!" Sakura replied.  
  
"Oops. Sorry."  
  
"I--" Sakura faltered. "I meant it, though."  
  
Tomoyo grinned and climbed up onto the bed with Sakura. "Well, then, now that Syaoran and Eriol are gone..." she said with a giggle.  
  
They were just ending their first kiss when Sakura asked, "Were you really making out with Eriol during the Bad Songfic Seminar?"  
  
Tomoyo's face draine of what little colour it had. She chose to ignore the question and kissed Sakura to shut her up.  
  
It worked.  
  
  
  
Later that night, Sakura and Tomoyo lay quietly under the covers together, resting.  
  
"Tomoyo?" Sakura asked. "Will you sing to me?"  
  
Tomoyo grinned. "All right..."  
  
The lights dimmed once again as Tomoyo began...  
  
"When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school  
It's a wonder I can think at all  
And though my lack of education hasn't hurt me none  
I can read the writing on the wall  
  
Kodachrome  
They give us those nice bright colors  
They give us the greens of summers  
Makes you think all the world's a sunny day, oh yeah  
I got a Nikon camera  
I love to take a photograph  
So mama don't take my Kodachrome away   
  
If you took all the girls I knew when I was single   
And brought them all together for one night  
I know they'd never match my sweet imagination   
Everything looks worse in black and white  
  
Kodachrome  
They give us those nice bright colors  
They give us the greens of summers  
Makes you think all the world's a sunny day, oh yeah  
I got a Nikon camera  
I love to take a photograph  
So mama don't take my Kodachrome away   
  
Mama don't take my Kodachrome away  
Mama don't take my Kodachrome away  
Mama don't take my Kodachrome away  
  
Mama don't take my Kodachrome   
Mama don't take my Kodachrome   
Mama don't take my Kodachrome away   
  
Mama don't take my Kodachrome   
Leave your boy so far from home  
Mama don't take my Kodachrome away   
  
Mama don't take my Kodachrome   
Uhm uhm!  
Mama don't take my Kodachrome away   
O.K.!"  
  
~*~  
  
Hello, all!  
  
Cal here. What'd you think? This is my first satire on those stupid songfics that everyone keeps writing, though I've written satires on other stuff before. I won't bore you all with my usual ramblings, so we'll get straight down to business:  
  
DISCLAIMERS:  
  
--Card Captor Sakura and all characters belong to the goddesses of Clamp.   
--"You're So Vain" belongs to the great Carly Simon.  
--"Kodachrome" belongs to Paul Simon (no relation to Carly).  
  
I am not making money from this fic, nor do I plan to do so. Please do not sue. This story and plot belong to me, so please don't borrow anything from it without asking first. Thanks a bunch!  
  
  
I'd also like to say thank you to Carly Simon, who inspired this fic, and to my sister, Kia, who found it mildly amusing and gave me the ego trip needed to finish it and bring to all of you.  
  
Thank you for reading. Please review, because positive reinforcement has been shown to work better than negative (or no) reinforcement. In other words, I write more often when people tell me what they think.  
  
This story is copyright Caleah Zarnstoff, July 2002  
  
Hope ya'll liked the story! Love,  
  
Cal 


End file.
